I recently read a quote that went something like this... "Depression is being stuck with a mind that's trying to die, in a body that's trying to survive."
But what if your body is also trying to die?
I haven't written anything since January. And a lot has happened to me since January. My last post what about 'mattering' and discovering what matters to you. I was going through a bit of a rough patch per se around the turn of the new year, and I needed to find what made me happy. Happiness vs. Suffering (my new philosophy)... Learning how to be content.
And then, I got sick. And I mean really sick... Mentally and physically. My anxiety and depression hit an all-time high (low? high? it was the worst it's ever been, let's put it that way...). And I also had pneumonia. Surprise! So I needed to go into the hospital.
So the CF brought me down physically, but mentally... oh boy, mentally.....I didn't even have the mental capacity to come on here and describe what I was going through until now. It got really bad. I would go to bed in a panic. I would wake up in a panic. The days were long and hard, and sometimes I would randomly cry during my lunch break, or even cry myself to sleep.
To try and describe to you what anxiety & depression feels like if you've never had it before... it's like, imagine feeling a physical weight on your shoulders. Like literal pounds. And carrying that with you every day. Or being at lunch, and feeling the need to run outside because you physically just can't be there anymore. Or waking up in the middle of the night, for no reason, and feeling like your skin is on fire, and you need to get out right now, or you.will.die! You can't eat, because food makes you psychically sick. And you can't sleep because you're afraid of waking up in a panic, so you try to avoid it at all cost because it's literally the worst feeling of your life.... but then you wake up tired every morning and begin the panic and depression all over again. That's a small piece of what I was feeling every day.
Then, when I was admitted into the hospital because of my lungs, I just wanted out. I don't know how else to describe it. Out, meaning, out of the hospital, out of the situation, out of the state of FL, out of this body... I guess I wanted to feel numb. Why stay awake with all this anxiety when you can just sleep?? Gimme those drugs and knock me out. Pop a Xanax every few hours just to make the thoughts go away. Honestly, anxiety is exhausting.
It's ironic that my last post was about what matters most. Because I've learned a lot since January about what matters to me. My mental health now matters to me more than a lot of things. And peace matters to me. Along with happiness and contentment. I thirst for contentment these days. Going to bed early matters to me. Having quiet time to myself matters to me. Keeping my mind active and free of the dark thoughts matters to me.
Since these panic attacks and anxious feelings have risen, I have changed a few things in my life. I upped my daily dose of Lexapro (antidepressant). I now carry essential oils around with me like an addict, huffing peppermint oil like a drug, lol. I go to therapy on a weekly basis. I also try to avoid stressful situations at all costs (sometimes this can't be avoided) (also, maybe not the best option to "avoid" situations, but eh, I'm trying here, k?).
I've also learned a lot about myself and how I function. I've always suffered from anxiety, my whole life. But it's never been like this before. I've learned that I would rather be in literal physical pain than have a panic attack like that every day again. I now empathize HIGHLY with those who suffer from anxiety/depression everyday.. because it is not a fun journey. I've learned now that my mental health is directly linked to my physical health. And that's probably a true statement for everyone, it just so happens that I'm sick a lot more often than most. And that will never change. So I'm in for a bumpy road ahead if it's always going to be like this.
For a while there, I was genuinely afraid that this was my new life. That I would feel like this every single day. I would wake up crying, because the panic was back every morning, like clockwork, and I would beg for it to go away. I dreaded living every day stuck in this prison of my mind.
I am happy to report that it is getting slightly better; whether that's because my physical health got a little better, or the upped dose of my meds started to kick in, or a combination of everything? But I don't think about death every day anymore............... So that's a step up from the past couple of months (it's only every other day now).
I think I will always struggle with some sort of anxiety/depression in my life, because of how my life is set up. I will never escape this, as long as I'm in this body. So going back to the quote from earlier.. if depression is the mind trying to die, then what happens if my body is also trying to die? It's definitely not a body that's trying to survive. I'm MAKING it survive. There's a difference. If I let it... it would die. Same too, if I allow it, I could let my depression kill my brain. This mind and this body are both struggling to kill me. And it's one I would not have chosen for myself. "I did not choose this particular life" (for my TFIOS fans out there...).
I don't know what the future holds for me, and I worry about it. I worry about future anxiety (isn't that a weird concept? But I do). My therapist tells me I need to be more focused on the "now" because no one can control the future. And she's right. So right now, I'm okay. And that's all I should think about.
-memento mori
PSA: Okay, so most people would never have realized I was going through all of this. Yes I am physically sick and yes I was in the hospital, but most people would say "You're so strong" or "You can do this!", when I felt the exact opposite on the inside. I felt weak and wanted to cry every hour. Only my very close friends or family knew what was happening on the inside. And this is true for most people who suffer from depression or anxiety. So this is my official PSA to everyone!!! Please be understanding and sympathetic to those around you. You literally never know what someone is going through on a day-to-day basis. Just be kind, and have heart. Thank you. That is all.
