daydreaming

i don't like capitalizing my "i's" because they look too much like "L's" and i think it's unfair to the other letters.

i've been dreaming lots lately; of lions and sinking ships, eternity and death, and lovers embraced in promises, both broken and unbroken. 

dreams keep me up at night. so does coughing, let's be real, but dreams also. anxiety can weigh a person down in the quiet hours. "i retrace every fear that lies awake on my chest..." as it says. but for me, being "tucked away in a dreamland" is also exhausting because i dream too much. my mind never rests and it's quite frustrating honestly. i long for the moments where nothing can excite me. silence sounds so nice. 

nighttime has never been my favorite to be honest. when i was young, i used to call it the "nighttime feels". now that i am older and can formulate thoughts into words, i know this now as anxiety. now i am able to take my meds that help me control and channel these anxious thoughts, but it still doesn't keep the dreams away, when my mind slips into the unconscious void where everything exists. 

my favorite moments of the day are right when i wake up, and i make my cup of coffee. i can sit there on my bathroom floor with the space heater on full blast, sipping my hot coffee, and i am able to breathe; in & out... no anxious thoughts. not yet. the weight of the day has not yet set in. it's the quietest moment of my day. 

when i go to bed at night, i dread falling asleep. i usually try to prolong it as long as possible, so that i won't have to dream too much. i watch the late night show, or makeup tutorials on youtube. i don't want to fall asleep and know that in an hour i will wake up in a sweat from some dream or simply from coughing. 

but in less than 8 hours... i can wake up again... and make my coffee, and sit still, where almost nothing exists. that's my favorite. when nothing else exists but me and my coffee. 

sometimes i let my thoughts consume me. i try not to. but there are times in the shower when i cry, and there's no real reason for it, other than to let my thoughts overflow and the emotions pour down the drain. the numbness sets in for a bit, and it's quiet for just a moment in the shower. but then the incessant thoughts return, and i'm back. 

but i also don't mind this life. because what would life look like if i didn't let my emotions consume me? blocked off? apathetic? non-committal? unemotional? unamused? i don't want to be those things. in fact i try to encourage others to wear more emotions on their sleeves, lol (good advice? maybe? probably not? i'm not a therapist...) but if i'm not being vulnerable.. i'm not being myself. 

so i will return to dreaming of lions and sinking ships and lovers and stars. my mind will consume me and play tricks on me and i will fall into its trap every time. i will go to therapy and take my meds. i will read poetry and cry in the shower. i will look forward to my morning coffee and begin again. this life of mine is an art, and i am good at it. but i will always be dreaming.

-memento mori