trying not to contemplate the never-ending void

“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default.”

-J.K. Rowling

While laying in bed at night, trying not to contemplate the never-ending void, sometimes i have revelations.

Some of you might know, but others may not…. about two years ago, i got my medical marijuana license from the state of Florida. Having Cystic Fibrosis can be quite bothersome at times as you can imagine, so my doctor recommended i try this because he assured me i was qualified (and i am). Since i shouldn’t really smoke, marijuana dispensaries offer alternatives now such as sublingual oils and tinctures, and edible gummies (those are my favorite). Of course, i was scared at first to try this stuff, but now it’s changed my life for the better, and in a way i never even knew could happen.

When i take the oil or a gummy, it takes away a specific pain i carry with me in my lungs. But what’s funny is, walking around every day, i never notice that pain is there. i suppose i’m so used to it being there that it doesn’t even phase me. But after i take some oil, i feel a sense of relief in my lungs. They are for all intents and purposes, pain-free! This is just astounding, because before i never even knew that pain was there. And i don’t take oil every day, obviously. i typically only take it at night when i know i can relax and go to bed. but during the day, it’s not like i complain about any pain in my lungs. it’s nothing really to me. but at night after i take my “medicine”, i feel so much better, i want to cry from happiness. This leads me to my most recent revelation…

All of you, each and every one of you, takes life for granted. If i felt as good as i do at night all day every day, i would be so carefree. i would jump off buildings and out of airplanes, and learn to captain a boat or something, i don’t know, the possibilities are endless. The point is, i figured out where all my anxieties stem from. It might be blatantly obvious, but sometimes when you’re inside the box, you miss the obvious points. My anxiety and depression stem from CF; and therefore holds me back from jumping off buildings and out of airplanes.

Therapists have told me this for years, but for some reason, it has hit differently recently. And maybe that’s just high me talking…. but i feel like it’s been a revelation. If i didn’t have CF, i would be invincible. Who knows, maybe i’d move to Bali, or become a broadway star and live in NYC. The point is, this invisible pain that i never knew i carried, holds me back from doing all those things, which i also never realized until now.

Now don’t get me wrong, i love my life. i have a huge support system, and i have pushed every boundary and statistic any doctor has ever given me. i live a full and happy life. i don’t feel like i’m missing out on anything. All i’m trying to say is, if you are blessed with a healthy body, don’t take it for granted, because i wouldn’t. Take that trip to the Grand Canyon, go skydiving, snorkel in the Bahamas… the world is your oyster. i would do all those things if i could. But i don’t feel unfulfilled if i can’t do those things. So don’t feel sorry for me, that’s not the point of my blog. The point of my blog is to just share my experiences with you.

And even if somehow i WAS born without CF… i wouldn’t be the person i am today. i’d be a completely different person. Maybe i’d be tone-deaf and have a terrible singing voice or something, i don’t know? That sounds awful. There’s no use imagining a world of “what-ifs”. It’s just nice to not have pain in my lungs sometimes, that’s all. And sometimes it’s nice to not contemplate the never-ending void. Because i contemplate it a lot, believe me.

i’m just a girl in her twenties with an invisible illness, trying her best to live her life fully and happily. And so far, i think i’m doing an ok job.

Who needs a therapist when you have THC? That’s all i’m sayin….

Anyways,

Memento Mori