a shadow of my old life

“The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.” - Walt Disney

Part 3:

i’m beginning anew. i’m free of IV’s and drugs, and old apartments. i feel a resurgence.

this entire year thus far, i have struggled… struggled with depression and anxiety, struggled with my health, struggled with my jobs, struggled with my mental and physical capacities, and struggled with my placement in this world.

i feel like Pocahontas, that something is just around the river bend. something good is coming. because a person cannot go through bad for forever, right? (knocks on wood).

i’m currently looking for more jobs to work remotely (cuz ya girl is poor). i’m currently regaining my strength back from the months of IV treatment i’ve endured. i’m currently getting back into my “normal” routine (and i say “normal” with quotations because i know that i am not normal, remember my last blog?).

i’m also still recovering from addiction. it has come to my attention that i am very susceptible to drugs. lolz. remember the Benadryl fiasco? well ever since my bronchoscopy, i have been going to bed with a swig of hydrocodone cough syrup to help me sleep because i’m still coughing at night. i literally take less than 5ML of cough syrup. but it has come to fruition that i am now addicted to it, and cannot function without it. i went 24 hours without taking it, and practically had a panic attack and mental breakdown, crying non-stop, just like my Benadryl withdrawal.

take my phrase “addiction” with a grain of salt, please. i know there are others out there dealing with worse addictions and problems than me. i am not needing rehab therapy. but i can empathize with those people who do now. being addicted to something is mentally and physically exhausting and i wouldn’t wish it upon anyone at any level, small or large. the anxiety that comes with it is so overwhelming that it’s just too much to bear sometimes. for example, last night i had a terrible headache, and Advil nor ice wouldn’t cut the pain. but then i thought to myself, “what would i rather endure? this headache? or the anxiety and crying from yesterday?” and i choose the headache. i would choose the headache every day for the rest of my life if it meant not dealing with anxiety ever again.

so while i work on fixing the chemicals in my brain, i will continue to form myself into a healthier version of myself.

my new house is great, i love it. i am all unpacked thanks to the many people in my circle who helped out.

i’m already planning vacations for this summer with my family and with my friends.

i’m getting my life back in order.

i even sang at church for the first time in, what… a year??? it’s been a time. here are some pictures to prove it, and to show you that i’m happy. i don’t need to prove that to you, of course. but i need to prove to myself that i can be happy again.

i was lost for so long and felt blurry and foggy, with nowhere to go and everywhere to hide. but now i feel a glimmer of hope. i feel like i belong back in my life again (if that makes sense). it’s like my life pushed me out for months, and i was a corpse barely living in the shadow of my old life. but now my body has finally welcomed me back and i’m adjusting to my old body and my old self again.

i told you i’d wrap this saga up! i think i’ve poured my life out onto the internet enough for now. let me know if you read all three parts, and what you think. i’d love to talk to you. i need to reconnect with people again after being “dead” for months now.

also, if you suffer from anxiety or depression, i would love to talk to you. i think it helps to talk about it with each other. we are not alone in this world, even though sometimes it feels like we are.

stay healthy and happy. because as i’ve learned in the past few months, those are literally the only things that matter in life. and i’m working on it.

-memento mori