the coffee culmination

Yes, it's true. I cut coffee from my life. Shocking, right? Because it was literally the joy of my life for so long. But all good things must come to an end I suppose.

You may be wondering why I decided to do this. It's so not like me. But I'll break it down for you. 

I have dealt with anxiety and panic for quite some time now. Last year one of my CF friends told me that they cut all caffeine from their life, and though it took time, they feel 100% better when off caffeine. They have less anxiety, more energy, and an overall better mood and better sleeping habits. WOW. CRAZY. This was so hard for me to wrap my head around because I was drinking 3-4 cups of coffee per day to get through my day. And I would get tired and irritated when I DIDN'T get my allotted coffee amount each day. So the thought of having to give that up stressed me out even more, so I didn't do it for a long time. My philosophy was I'd rather deal with the consequences of coffee than live without it. lol.

I literally loved coffee. Morning, noon, bedtime, I could drink it anywhere at any time. 

Now, don't get me wrong, coffee has a lot of benefits. It can increase heart health, boost brain power, wake you up when you're tired, aid in digestion, and is even said to be good for your skin. But I was experiencing a lot of negative side effects directly related to coffee such as increased anxiety and panic, jitters & shakes, and all around un-easiness. My sleep patterns have never been normal, but I don't think coffee helped it, and it also made my heart race this last year. I have been experiencing heart racing symptoms, and lots of caffeine certainly does not help with that. Sometimes to calm myself down, I would have a cup of coffee and thus began the cycle all over again. 

Fast forward to when I came home from Christmas vacation, and I was immediately admitted into the hospital for treatment. It was the end of a very long, rough year for me, and the cherry-on-top was spending NYE in the hospital. I was not doing well. I was dealing with increased anxiety again and panic, and even headaches. It wasn't a fun time. I really didn't know what to do anymore.

So, because I am willing to at least try anything, I decided on January 1st (sort of as a new years resolution) that I would try to quit coffee. Why not, right? Maybe it would help me. And on the first day of my resolution, I had a cup of coffee. lol. This was a slow going process. 

It was SO ROUGH during the beginning. My friend initially told me I would go through withdrawal, and that's what I was scared of. Everything you know about caffeine withdrawal is true. The first two or three weeks, I was tired ALL THE TIME. I would take naps and barely be able to make it through my day. My head was heavy and fuzzy, like I needed that coffee jolt to wake me up. I was even cranky at times because I didn't have something in my veins to keep me happy. It was so real. It was at this point I decided not to cut out caffeine from my life completely. I was just going to cut coffee. I needed a segue drug (lol). I don't drink that much caffeine without coffee, the occasional coke or black tea, but not a lot. But I did need something in the morning. So I switched my morning hot beverage to earl grey tea with cream, no sugar.

With tea versus coffee, I am getting 50% - 60% less caffeine per cup, and no sugar. I only drink ONE cup of tea every day versus my FOUR cups of coffee as before. I barely ever drink Coke anymore, because it tastes almost too sugary to me. 

Now it has been close to two months sans coffee. And the results are as follows: I am over my initial withdrawal symptoms. I no longer yearn for coffee or have a craving for it as I previously did during the day. My taste buds have even changed. I can't drink super sweet beverages such as sodas anymore or anything with too much sugar in it. In the course of 8 weeks, I would say I have had a total of 6 cups of coffee since the beginning, and honestly now.... I don't even like it as much. Yes, coffee is wonderful and I have enjoyed it over the last many years. But cutting it out of my life has actually changed things for me for the better. I no longer have to buy K-Cups or creamer, and I am ingesting WAY less sugar. Now yes, I will always have anxiety, sleep problems, and heart problems. But I will say that I see a difference. I no longer get jittery and anxious at random parts of the day. I also can fully maintain a full day at work without that 2pm drag when you need coffee. If anything, I'll have a cup of green tea or something to hold me over. 

I do feel like I have more energy and my mental health is better. My heart is calmer and my sleep is a little better. Now is that because of the coffee or because the new year has started and it's already a better one? Maybe a bit of both. As for now, I'll keep up with this plan... not quitting caffeine fully, but definitely drinking less. And being proactive about my health and what I put in my body.

The saddest part about this whole experiment is that I actually miss missing coffee, does that make sense? I no longer crave it, but I miss that I crave it. I would look forward to that morning cup of coffee right when I wake up, or a cup after dinner to calm me down. Or a trip to Starbucks for one of their over-priced yet delicious latte's. But now, even if I wanted it, it doesn't taste the same to me anymore. I don't look forward to even trying it. It's so strange how the brain operates and can play tricks on you like this. I never thought I would get to this point where I don't even want coffee anymore. It's so sad! 

Anyways, I just thought I'd share these thoughts with you. I'm not trying to get on my soapbox and make everyone quit coffee. I know it's great! But for me, it's working right now to quit. But maybe it will inspire you to cut something toxic out of your life. 

You may resume your regular internet scrolling,

-memento mori