apologetically unapologetic

“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them.”

-Maya Angelou

another CF friend of mine inspired me to write about this subject; being apologetic for something i can't control. 

cystic fibrosis is called an invisible illness, because typically on the outside, we look fine. but on the inside is where we suffer, and i don't often get recognized for that.

for example, when out in public, i get stared at a lot for coughing. especially on an airplane or any mode of public transportation. people think i shouldn't be out & about with the flu or a cold, getting everyone sick around me. but what they don't know is that i'm not contagious, and it's much deeper than they think. 

i've been scoffed at, stared at, told to go home.... i've even been rejected by men. not in so many words, no one is actually that harsh to my face. but i do believe the reason i don't get a second date or get left behind is that some men just can't handle it? or don't want to handle it for that matter. whatever the reason, it reduces my character and makes me feel lesser, despite what Maya Angelou said. 

therefore, i have built up this wall around me to defend myself from comments or people i know who think of me as "sickly". which i guess i am, but why should i have to apologize for that? believe me, i didn't choose this life, Hazel Grace. it was placed upon me. yet, i get discriminated for it. 

for many, it's easy to say "health is more important than those people, or school, or work". but when it comes to MY life, it's sort of not. it doesn't really work that way. would you say the same if it were your life on the line? the earth keeps spinning no matter what you say, and despite all my efforts, i end up at the bottom. that's just how the world works. you're expected to work, and be independent, and support yourself, and be in a long-term supportive relationship. but sometimes, i can't help it and i fall short of life's expectations. that's just how it is. people fail to see that i'm trying my best, because even my best is sub-par. 

so who do i apologize to for being less than what i could be? do i apologize to all the men who have left me? do i apologize to my coworkers for missing work for being in the hospital? do i apologize to my parents for having to raise me? do i apologize to myself for feeling this way? i didn't ask for any of this, so i shouldn't have to apologize in the first place. but yet, i constantly find myself saying "i'm sorry" to people i don't even know. 

"excuse me, ma'am, can you move? you're coughing too much" 

"oh, sorry!"

"erin, we can't be together anymore"

"i'm sorry i'm too much for you to handle"

sorry, sorry, sorry.

to all my friends & loved ones who are truly invested in my life and watch over me and take care of me; bless. you are so much stronger than i am to have a friend like me. i know it's a lot to have to deal with, but i truly appreciate the ones who stick by. my life will be shorter than yours, and i'm sorry for that too.

sorry for this blog. 

-memento mori