Today is Halloween, one of my favorite times of the year, because you get to pretend to be someone else (and you get to dress up, which I love). I often like to escape into a reality that's not my own, i.e. in a novel, movie, etc... because at least for a time being, I'm not me, and I'm not reminded of my current situation. I can usually put my own selfish thoughts aside from day to day, and focus my energy on other people or other problems. But the past few weeks have been really rough on me. My thoughts have been clouded by my weakening body and I have thought of nothing else. My thoughts and my body are not my own, because if I truly was in control, I wouldn't be this way. 

I've tried so hard to stay out of the hospital these last few weeks. But I'm so sick. Like, incredibly sick. This has been ever since England, A MONTH AGO. My body is thick with sticky mucus that loves to collect bacteria. And it likes to stick around for longer than I'd like (hah, stick... get it?). So once I started coughing up the blood, and running high-grade fevers, we decided to start home IV antibiotics. Having a port placed in my chest gives me the opportunity to do home IV's occasionally when I'm sick, versus going in the hospital. My nurse comes over and hooks me up, and I have my drugs delivered to my front door. I was trying to stay out of the hospital right now because it's FLU season, and I DON'T want the flu (no one does, but especially people with previous conditions). However, I started IV's almost two weeks ago, and I've barely noticed a difference in my health. All of last week was spent in bed, not working, not driving, not focusing on anything more than a TV screen (probably watching Hocus Pocus on repeat), because I physically had no strength in me. I was running a 102-degree fever almost every day, and that only causes more work for my heart. I was coughing every night with no relief. I was even tested for the flu but was denied that simple explanation.

I am still on home IV antibiotics, along with two other oral antibiotics. So one would assume with such a powerful combination, I would be free from the downward spiral. But alas, life (my life at least) is not that simple.

We still don't know why I'm sick, and we've exhausted all of our resources (who is this "we" I always speak of? Me & my doctors? Me & my parents? The other people who are the actual authors of my life? Hard to say, really....) besides going in the hospital of course, (but I don't want to, so, *dncfdaoskdjcdsjkd*). Today was my first day back at work. I can say I'm starting to feel a smidgen better. My fever was only 100 degrees yesterday! So, that's something. But that does say a lot, because last Tuesday, I wasn't able to cut an apple on my own. Due to this recent illness, I have lost another 10 lbs, making it even harder for me to bounce back. This is a common side effect for Cystic Fibrosis patients. It is hard for us to gain weight because our heart and lungs are working overtime 24/7, as someone has just run a marathon. I feel like I've been running a marathon every day now, and I'm going nowhere, only riding the downward spiral.

I realize that my blog posts are usually long and only about me, and for this, I apologize. But isn't that why I started the blog in the first place? To have a place on the internet where I only talk about myself? lulz. sorry.

I don't think I'm going into the hospital. I think I'm going to wait this out. It (whatever it is) is just taking its SWEET SWEET time. In the meantime, I'll just be over here reading whether or not the Pope will attempt ecumenism upon the Christian world, or thinking about turtles.

Anyways,

-memento mori