no inspirational quote this time. just me. there’s a lot to unpack here. read with caution. lol.

since the beginning of the year, i haven’t felt good.

everyone knows I have Cystic Fibrosis. i also fight anxiety and depression. i have ever since i was about 18 years old.

i go to therapy, but even my therapist says since I have a life-long condition, i will probably always fight anxiety. cool. thanks, doc.

anyways, in January, I started to get sick. I developed this cough that started out mild. a few fevers here and there. oral antibiotics usually don’t cut it for me, because the infection goes so deep within my lungs. so my doctor started me on a round of home infusion therapy. basically, i administer my own IV’s through my port at home. i know how to do this, been doing it for years, no surprise. she prescribed a drug that’s new to me and is related to a drug that i am allergic to. so in order to combat any allergic reaction, we also administered 12.5ml of Benadryl (Diphenhydramine generic name) through my IV every 8 hours. every. 8. hours. i am on benadryl. keep that in mind.

i couldn't function. i couldn’t think straight. the Benadryl kept me underwater for most of the day when i wasn’t sleeping that is.

do you know what it’s like to have your brain shut off? it’s hard to answer texts, forget about driving - can’t do that, too hard, it’s hard to even get up and eat. my brain was so fuzzy.

anyways, i carried on, like i always do, and got through the required 14 days of antibiotics. my last day was a Friday, so my boyfriend was able to de-access my port. it’s very safe to do at home, and we watched youtube videos on how to do it properly. everything went smoothly. i was feeling pretty great after.

the next day, Saturday, my boyfriend noticed that i’m not okay. at breakfast, i was shaking, could barely eat, and overall miserable. that day, i went into one of the worst panic attacks i’ve ever been through. i started crying for no reason, shaking uncontrollably, nauseous, irritable and ended up exhausted. i honestly didn’t know what was happening to me. i considered going to the ER, but i knew all they could do for me was give me a Xanax and send me home, and i have a whole bottle of Xanax with me at all times, so i didn’t go to the ER. instead, i took a Xanax and a Zofran for my stomach, wrapped myself in a blanket on my boyfriend’s couch, and i calmed down a bit.

i called my doctor to see if this was somehow post-side effects from the IV antibiotics. she just brushed me off and said, no this is clearly anxiety, contact your primary care. so i contacted my PCP, and what does he do? he prescribed more Xanax. (rolls eyes).

these symptoms of uncontrollable shaking, mood swings, crying for no reason, overwhelming depression, sweating, and loss of appetite continued over the next week. i felt like i had hit a new low. this was a new form of hell for me. i didn’t know what i had done to deserve this, but this was my life now, and it depressed me to my core.

i finally had a follow-up appointment with my doctor who prescribed the IVs, just to see how i was doing. i was hesitant to go because i knew all she would do is listen to my lungs and say “i’m good to go”, and not address any of the other symptoms i was experiencing. when we get there, she asked me how my “anxiety” was doing. and i told her, a bit sarcastically, not good. apparently, i’m insane. then a light bulb flickers in her head, and she said, “you know what? i never thought of this before. but you could be having withdrawal symptoms from the Benadryl. it makes sense. i’ve never had patients who were on long-term Benadryl like you were, but it explains everything.” i about fell over in that office. WHAT? i’ve been going through withdrawal????? AND NO ONE THOUGHT OF THIS OR TOLD ME ABOUT THE POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF LONG TERM USE OF BENADRYL???? I HAVE ASKED TWO DOCTORS NOW, AND YOU ALL SAID IT WAS ANXIETY AND GAVE ME XANAX! BUT THIS ENTIRE TIME, I WAS GOING THROUGH WITHDRAWAL???? i’m done. i’m done!

withdrawal explained everything. the mood swings, the late-night sweating, the crying, loss of appetite, shaking….. my new form of hell finally had some answers. i was so happy that i wasn’t going crazy. i knew my anxiety wasn’t this bad, but no one believed me! needless to say, i knew from then on that i need to be my own agent for my mental and physical health.

be your own agent.

more chaos ensues: during all this time, i had both Moderna vaccines administered, I quit my job at the museum, and my roommate and i are moving to a house… so there were a lot of outside stressors as well going on in my life. so i mean, anxiety wasn’t exactly on the back burner, it was very real and present. i don’t think i handle stress well, but i deal with so much crap that other people don’t have to deal with or even think about, that maybe i handle copious amounts of stress normally… idk. like, do normal people have to worry about having a needle in their chest for two weeks at a time? or how the inevitable hospital stays will affect any new job you apply for? but there’s normal stress thrown in there too, like packing up and moving to a new place and thus leaving my apartment of 5 years. going through all of this, you think i’d be done. but i’m not. my health and anxiety continued to decline…

there’s so much more to unpack here, no pun intended, so i’ll tell you about the rest later. to be continued in part 2…

-memento mori