“a dream has the power to poison sleep”

anxiety dreams keep me up at night. anxiety dreams are not night terrors or nightmares. they are every-day circumstances that project my real-life fears in a believable way. my subconscious thinks of all the things in the dark recesses of my mind that i suppress during the day. i literally wake up sweating from the thoughts that creep in. my subconscious is a bitch.

i’ll dream i’m back in college, and i’m failing a class, and i’m in a dorm/living situation that i can’t get out of, no matter how hard i try.

or i’m in an old relationship that i know is unhealthy and i’m trying so hard to break it off, but i can’t.

or i’ll be fired from my job and unable to get a new job because no one wants me. because everyone in my dreams seems to see the falsehoods and the anxieties i think about myself, and they project these insecurities back to me.

or i’ll dream that someone i love doesn’t love me anymore.

last night i dreamt that i was being neglected and lied to from a family member for my whole life and i didn’t ever realize it.

these are my worst fears that i’m reminded of every night when i close my eyes. i’m still in a daze when i wake up. did that really just happen? what is my reality?

those morning hours after dreaming and before i truly ‘wake up’ are the most anxious moments in my life. i’ve started drinking coffee again to theoretically light a flame under my brain a little bit. hopefully, something true will spark. it’s the only way i can collect real thoughts after such intense movie-dream lies.

let’s move off this planet. it stresses me out too much.

in the meantime, i’m not looking forward to bed tonight.

-memento mori