stream of consciousness

"deep into that darkness peering

long i stood there

wondering,

fearing,

doubting,

dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before."

-edgar allen poe. 

sometimes thoughts pour out and you can't stop them. october is an interesting month. the weather is changing and thoughts are brewing. my birthday is in a week. i'm growing older. i'm changing. i'm beginning, and i'm ending. i'm fearing. i'm doubting. i'm wondering. i am edgar allen poe.

here are some of my fears in a list:

oblivion

being alone

living in fear

taking care of my body

struggling with health, with work, with school, etc...

anxiety & the pain that is associated

crying 

faith

a broken heart

others dying before i do 

being broken

i like odd numbers, not even numbers. i like that i was born on the 15th. the middle. my life is about balance. the perfect act. harmony and color and beauty and equality.

someone said to me today "but they didn't look depressed. they always had a smile on their face." and i replied "that's not how depression works..."

i like the word melancholy. it's a good word to describe October. i also like the word effeminate. 

"it is never too late to be what you might have been." - george elliot. 

other people are celebrating and getting engaged, and getting married, and having children..... i'm finishing school, and i don't envy them.

but i wish i could tell them to decide. 

sometimes i wish for another life. 

anxiety tells me that the thoughts in my head might come true. and i tell my thoughts to be kind. be kind. if anything if ever cruel or unkind to you, be kind. i'm learning that. other things i'm learning are:

patience

agency

pragmatism

the ability to be bold, and not be afraid

epistemology

poetry

justification

fighting for your rights

how to move on from the pain

second chances

blindly jumping into faith

i want to jump in headfirst and never look back. i don't like looking back. i want to stay in the deep end. it's unfamiliar and scary. but i like it that way.

i dream a lot. dreams no mortal ever dared. will this roller coaster ever end? i hope it does. i feel like i've been here forever. i like lives and stories that are short and sweet, like a Shakespearean romance. 

just let me know when the story is over because i'm still dreaming. sometimes i get confused between what's real and what's not.

...that's another thing i'm learning... ontology. 

none of this makes sense. 

-memento mori