happiness & vulnerability

“If the hurt comes,

so will the happiness.”

-Rupi Kaur

I am going to be vulnerable for a second (well, I’m usually always vulnerable). Sometimes I’m afraid to be vulnerable on the internet, like most other humans, because of fear; fear of rejection or any sort of drop in the ego. But here goes…

I’m happy.

Crazy concept, right?

I can honestly say with gratitude that 26 has been a good year (for the most part). Way better than 25, let’s put it that way. My birthday post last year was about accepting new wine (See Matthew 9:14-17 for reference or my turning 26 blog from a year ago) and cleaning my heart out in order to be open enough for God’s plan. And I think I’ve done okay at it so far. Looking back, definitely a lot has changed in the course of one year.

I haven’t written on here in a while because honestly, I get lost in my thoughts and my life, and forget to write the good stuff down. You know how break ups and tragedy inspire great songs and poems? It’s not the same for happiness and joy. At least not for me; I’m used to writing about darkness (it comes naturally for me). But I’m not used to being content. Strange as it may seem, I know how to navigate the anxious and sick Erin, not the healthy and happy Erin. But let’s give it a shot.

I’m happy. And I’m doing well. What is this life?

This year has tested me and changed me. I’ve had heartache and sickness (TRUST). But I’m honestly doing great right now, and can’t even remember that Erin. Fall of last year, I wasn’t well. My head was not in the right place. That’s what inspired me to open up and allow the “new wine” into my soul. Of course I’m leaving details out because as much as I post on the internet, I’m keeping my private life private. But this year has changed me for the better. Let’s recap, shall we?

I’ve only been in the hospital once this year, and that was over New Years, way back in January. That was still a low point for me, but don’t worry, it gets better from there.

I got to travel a lot this year, and plan on traveling more (coming up this weekend!)

I’m very passionate about singing, and I joined a choir this year, after a year of not taking my voice lessons anymore.

Generally, my mind has been in a more accepting state, where I’m less anxious and more open. At least compared to last year and the previous. I don’t know whether or not that’s supernatural, human-inspired, medical, or because of alternative therapies, but somethings working. Maybe a combination of all four.

Overall, I’ve been pretty healthy (KNOCK ON WOOD, RUB A RABBITS FOOT, THROW SALT OVER SHOULDER). I’ve only done home IV’s the once this year, on top of the January hospital visit. I have not caught a cold or the flu (yet..). And my lungs feel…. dare I say……….. good?

If you have Cystic Fibrosis and you read my blog, you’ll probably be mad at me for this post, because I’m not a compliant CF patient (my secret is out). I know other CF patients struggle real hard and work everyday to maintain their health. But I have always teetered on “just ok” just by doing nothing, and that’s worked fine for me this far. But lately, I’ve promised to change a little and do my treatments more. As a Cystic Fibrosis victim, we have certain tasks we must do everyday to keep our lungs healthy. We do nebulized treatments and chest percussion therapy treatments; both of which I have always slacked on. Pills such as our enzymes or any vitamin or antibiotic, I’m always excellent at, but that’s because it’s easy and doesn’t take up any extra time in my day. With the neb or CPT, you have to physically sit down and do it, which is a disruption. However, lately, I’ve been doing them?? Question Mark? Because I’m scared?? (there’s that vulnerability I was talking about).

Someone asked me recently what I’m scared of. And the answer came to me immediately.

“I’m not scared of death” I said.

“I’m scared of being healthy.”

I honestly don’t know who I am without my disease. And I don’t know if other CF patients out there can relate? I’m sure you can, because it’s my entire identity. But without it, when I work hard to maintain my health, and it works, who am I?

That’s what I’m currently learning. And it’s going well, as you can see by this post.

It has changed the way I think, and the way I feel. And I feel, for once, happy???

I don’t want to jinx anything, so I’m just taking this one day at a time. But for now, I’ve accepted new wine.

The hurt has come, time and time again. And I’ve been so patient. But 26 has been my year for the most part. Hopefully 27 will be too. I can’t wait to see what it has in store. Hopefully more love and happiness, and less fighting and darkness inside of me. I want more of now. That’s my wish.

voici pour aimer et être aimé

To all my readers, if you are currently hurting, I can empathize with you. Just be patient.

-memento mori